There is just no anticipating what kinds of things will happen when you go abroad. You cannot anticipate the kinds of people you will meet, the troubles you might face and the successes you might find. It is the unknown, that had me in a panic at first.
Everyone who knows me, knows that I do not do well with surprises and the unknown. I have a problem with patience and stress and I have had this problem since I could barely walk.
Some very sad examples:
I was that kid that went searching for Christmas presents weeks before the big day.
I was that kid (okay still am) that will ask everyone the same question over and over until I get the answers I need.
I cried every Easter because I did not want the strange bunny entering the house. I screamed until my parents promised the bunny would leave the baskets outside.
I have puked on every holiday from getting all stressed and excited.
Most of the time I become stressed trying to finish a book, because I feel a sense of urgency to find out what happens at the end (okay and on occassion I have been the type of person who will read the end first)
My mom admittedly did not want me to come home this summer. She thought I would just be an anxious mess in anticipation of my departure. She was surprised when my melt down never came. Even on the last night home, I slept like a baby.
I tried to pretend like somehow I had changed and was totallllllyyy unafraid and excited about change and the unknown that was coming (I played it off like I was totally mature and worldy, and small things like leaving the country for extended periods of time was exhilerating and like wicked cool-like come on whats the big deal, everyone does it).
I managed to play it off, until I got to the airport. I began running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Shaking, crying, and stressing. Flights got messed up (per usual, I am a jinxed traveler) and of course I was freaking out a little (okay-a lot). When I boarded the plane in Newark, I sat down and passed the hell out. Did not even need a drink or a sleeping pill. My body just shut down. For the entire 12 hour flight...I slept like a baby. The second I woke up... stomach ache, light headed, shaking hands yep that anxiety attack I had managed to suppress all summer was about to explode. And it did.
However, as I reflect on my last three months I find it all a little funny how worried I was. Here, I feel like I have become more calm than I have in years-maybe ever. I feel like I can take on the world. When I told everyone I was coming to Argentina without a single friend or acquaintance, they told me I was crazy. Most people said that they couldn't do it. And most don't. The majority of my friends from school are studying abroad with a familiar face. I am so proud I did it, so, so proud.
If nothing else, this journey has taught me to stop being so afraid of the unknown. It has been a huge problem for me since I was a child. I am used to getting so worked up about not knowing things. I can't quite describe the feeling, but its just an intense need and if I dont supress the need somehow, I panic. It is a need for approval, a need to be the first to know, the need to feel safe and just a general sense of knowing what will happen. I know I drive my family crazy with it and I am sure as they read this they know EXACTLY what I am talking about (and probably laughing, they think it is funny until they get caught in the middle of one of my fits). I guess I am a bit of a control freak. But I think this may have remedied some of this very weird and usually unnecessary anxiety that I usually pent up until I freak out.
I have taken a giant leap of faith. New place, no friends, and how about that whole language thing... I definitely did not take the easy, comfortable way out on this trip. I think it was just what I needed. Just the spontaneous and unfamiliar adventure that might have naturally remedied years of stress, anxiety and up tightness. SO the purpose of this post is to apologize to mostly Mom, Dad, Michelle and Maggie who usually get caught in the sandstorm. But I think... the sandstorm may calm down a bit when I come home.
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